WTF SNOW

So there's this friendly little substance out there, and for the sake of this entry, I'm going to call it sparkle juice. There's also this not so friendly substance out there, that's white and powdery, kind of like cocaine, except that it probably causes more deaths per year. Anyway, when you combine the two, you in fact do not get a sparkle juice snow cone. Instead you get the most violent night that I have ever experienced in my life. It all started after my Networking final, which I was kind of bummed about since I pretty much failed. As I arrive home, I receive a phone call from a friend.

"Hey man, the guy has a pitcher full of sparkle juice. Do you want some?" Being unable to resist the powers of peer pressure, I of course oblige. Sparkle juice is so delicious. The two of us get into his car, and then loiter around Target for a while since I have to pick up a check. Eventually, we get another phone call from the guy with the pitcher full of juice, and the three of us agree to meet at this gas station. As we're driving, I noticed this small white powder falling from the sky. "Uh, maybe today isn't the best day for sparkle juice," I say to my friend. "Damnit Clarence, stop being a little girl. EVERY day is a good day for sparkle juice," is his jovial reply. We soon arrive at this said gas station (the PDQ near Star Cinema), and wait for our third cohort. Unfortunately, twenty or so minutes pass by and the sparkle juice carrier still doesn't show up. "Hey, isn't there another PDQ a block or so away from here?" my friend asks me. "No, of course not. You're adopted. Just wait; he'll be here, " I say to him. Of course, being the lucky guy that I am, I'm confronted by a large, middle aged white man. Now, this is not just any middle aged white man. No, for this is a middle aged white man wearing girl pants and scratching off a lottery ticket. "Howdy boyz," he snorts, "there's this PDQ right across from the theeayter, in case you was wonderin'. It has some DEEEELICIOUS sausage." I kindly thank him for his help, and then shove my friend into the general direction of his car, fearing for the safety of both of our sausages.

We pull up into the PDQ right across the street from our previous location, and find Mr. Sparkles sitting in his car listening to techno music. He has the delicious juice, but we find ourselves in a slight predicament. Unfortunately, due to the...unique...nature of our sparkle juice, we had to find a place in which we could safely situate ourselves in order to consume it. Eventually we decide that the best place would be under a railroad track in this ghetto ass park. The three of us drive over there (while blaring techno), and hike down the path into the holy spot of sparkle. Along the way, we of course encounter all sorts of ferocious animals, like lions, wolves, bears, and even Chuck Norris himself. We finally arrive at our intended spot, and proceed to celebrate by consuming our rather large quantity of sparkle juice. Unfortunately, as we're basking in the euphoria that is the juice of sparkle, we notice this man walking by. This man, however, is wearing a hat that strangely resembles that of a park ranger. Figuring that this dirty park ranger would try to steal our sparkle juice and our picnic baskets, we make like DNA strands and split. Or at least we try to. By this time, I am so under the influence of this liquified deliciousness that I trip over a rather large tree root and roll at least ten feet into a dense cluster of bushes. Deflated but not defeated, I soon catch up with my juicing cohorts and the three of us escape into our grand chariot.

And now the fun begins. You see, the roads by now are kind of slippery. Our minds by now were also kind of slippery. Imagine the biggest slipe and slide that you've ever seen, and you pretty much have a physical manifestation of our mental state combined with the road conditions. We make the smartest decision ever at this point, and decide to drive downtown. Hindering us, however, is the fact that we took the juice provider's car to the ghetto park. Being the cool kids that we are, we figure that we should drive back to the gas station and retreive my friend's car. The ride goes smoothly, until we approach a strange intersection. This strange car in front of us seemed fascinated by the snowflake patterns, and just wouldn't move. Unfortunately, we too soon became entranced by the snowflakes and movement grinded to a screeching halt. No, I lied. We were fucking stuck. The car would not move an inch. Of course, due to our enlightened sparkle juice enhanced state, my friend and I figure out the best solution possible. Get out and push. This would've worked, except that it was hella icy out and I kind of fell on the ice multiple times while trying to push. The relieved weight, however, did allow for the car to start moving again. By the time we arrive at the PDQ, the three of us are bruised, exhausted, and completely sparkled out. You'd think that we would've learned our lesson.

Hell no, learning is for little girls. The juice provider parts ways with my friend and I, and the two of us continue our journey downtown. Unfortunately, neither of us are very experienced in the whole "driving while sparkled out" aspect of life, so we kind of space out randomly. My memory begins to fog very heavily at this point, but I remember waking up to find myself in the middle of the road, right in the path of several speeding cars. We narrowly avoid the violence, but are completely freaked the fuck out for the rest of the trip, since we are fucked up beyond belief. Again, my memory kicks in again when I feel this sudden jolt. As it turns out, snow is rather unpleasant, and kind of makes us KNOCK THE FUCK OUT OF THE SIDE OF A PARKED CAR. Fortunately, our vehicle isn't visibly damaged, so we do the logical thing and drive away as fast as we possibly can. My night ends with talking to another friend of mine downtown, who says something along the lines of, "I'm sorry Clarence, but you look really sparkled." Oh, if he only knew...